A Spot of T

We Only Part to Meet Again

I love that quote in the heading.  I wrote it down one time but forgot to write who actually quoted it.  It doesn't really matter I suppose, unless he or she by some miracle stumbles across this blog and says "Hey, she didn't give me recognition for my original quote."  And if that should happen I would probably still forget to give you recognition because I would just be impressed you some how stumbled across my blog.

Anyway.

I have always said if I didn't write on my blog for a couple of weeks with no notice that I was on holidays or taking a break, I was probably dead.  I'm not dead.  I'm very much alive but have nothing to say.  Yes, apparently hell has frozen over and pigs have learned to fly because Joy is finally at a loss for words.

I mean I have a lot to say, but nothing I want to write on here.  Nothing bad even, just thoughts and feelings.  Lots of thoughts and feelings.  This would be the Joy you don't know.  The one who is extremely private.  It's one thing to share recipes and other things that were pretty innocent on here, but divorce?  Won't happen.

Someone wrote to me how shocked she was and how devastated she was for my entire family.  She also asked if I could see any good come out of all this.  I never wrote back....er sorry....but I never hesitated in thinking...absolutely there is good in all this!

For one, my children.  Always my children.  I thought it was impossible to be closer to them, but here we are at the impossible.  It really doesn't matter what happens from here on out, their kindness and love alone is enough.  Good grief they are amazing children.

For another?  I finally woke up.  To a lot of things.  And that's all I'm going to say about that except....I love that I woke up.

I've always been a big believer that the good thing about life is, it gives us another opportunity to do things right.  Right now, the right thing to do for my blog is say good-bye for awhile.  I love writing on it too much to shut it down, but you will understand when I say I have more important things on my mind right now.

To those who continue to email and chat on facebook?  I love each and every one of you.  Seriously.  I'm not just saying that.  We wouldn't be human beings if we didn't go through life having to deal with some sort of tragedy or sadness in our years on this earth and I hope I can be there for you like you have been here for me.  To those who continue to reach out, you are good people and your kindness will come back to you tenfold.

Thank You

I am overwhelmed right now.  Not only at the news of the impending divorce, but also to come on my computer and see the outpouring of kindness from everyone.  For someone who acts so tough, I can tell you right now you have all humbled me in a way I've never known.  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I will get back to each and every one of you.  Just please give me time.

 

I used to read about people writing things like "The people I thought would be there for me....aren't any where to be found and those who I least expected to be there....were there for me in a heartbeat."  No truer words have ever been spoken.  If you have read my blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a hermit and a loner.  The great thing about being a hermit and a loner is you don't have friends beating down your door and grabbing you and hugging you and comforting you through something like this.  The worst thing about being a hermit and a loner is...you don't have friends beating down your door and grabbing you and hugging you and comforting you through something like this.  If that makes any sense at all.

 

If there has ever been any doubt about how great internet friends are though, I'm here to tell you, stop questioning how great internet friends are.  I have received emails of "I'm still thinking of you"  "I'm here for you" and even one dear friend who is ready to fly down at a moments notice.  And phone calls.  Even though I was a blubbering fool with two of you and the calls were cut short.....and for that I really do apologize.....to know people were kind enough to call with comforting words is something else.  Or leave messages of "I don't know what to say Joy, but I felt compelled to call and I want you to know I'm thinking of you."  I have always said I believed in the kindness of others and here we are.

 

There are also the not so great emails as well and I have to keep telling myself they are just from people who don't know what to say.  Those who tell me Gregg was never around any way so nothing will really change in my life.  Or how they bet if he isn't having an affair now, there surely is someone in the wings that he wants his wife out of the way for.  Or how they think he is going through a mid-life crisis so good riddance to him if he can't see the wonderful family he has right in front of him.  Or those who tell me to keep thinking of all the horrible things he did to me over the years and that will get me through this.  Or how they could tell I wasn't very happy with how little time Gregg and I spent together so maybe now I can find someone who will want to spend time with me.  Or....

 

All I can say to those emails is...stop trying to help.  If that is all you have got, for the love of all that is holy, stop...trying...to help.  Because honestly?  I don't need that kind of help....ever.  Contrary to how I may have portrayed myself on this blog, that is not the kind of ugly person I was before this and I have no intention of becoming that ugly person after this.  I have worked hard at my age to get to a place of not holding onto the past because I have seen firsthand how it can poison a person.  They hold on to resentment and bitterness for so long that they end up being blind to the good that is right in front of them.  **Talking about my mother here.  She was so bitter for so long.  Still may be.  You learn very early on to what such poison can do to a person.**

 

I have never said my marriage was perfect and I always admitted my faults on here in abundance.  I knew our marriage wasn't as good as it could be and knew changes had to be made on both our parts if Gregg and I were going to continue to grow into the old crazy grandparents our children swore we would be.

I truly thought for once in our 27 years together, our incredibly stubborn selves were finally on the same page.  I have never been more wrong about anything in my life.  I was blindsided and couldn't have seen this coming if it was written on my forehead.  So to suggest someone else will fill the void of my husband is not only not nice, but ludicrous to me at this point and time.  To suggest to me my husband is either having an affair or 'has someone in the wings'?  Is just plain mean.

 

Right now I'm still in shock.  Right now I can't think of anything but to continue to think of my family.  After all, that has been my job for the past 21 years, trying to make this home a place where my family wants to come and where they feel happy, safe and comfortable.  Right now I am doing the only thing I know how to do and that is to not become the victim, but to survive yet another ordeal in my life.  And can I just add in here right now...God?  Don't you think it's been about enough now?  Seriously.  I don't want to dig up the past or anything, but good grief I think I've done my time and would really like to ask for a mulligan right about now.  Thank you and amen.

 

The future is unbelievably scary and I wish I could jump ahead to when this is all over so I can see the outcome.  My family, a home,happiness and a quiet life were always something I strived for and they will never change for me.  Those few simple things have always been my priority and I don't care if I'm drug behind a herd of elephants, I refuse to waiver from those priorities.

 

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

After 22 years of marriage, Gregg has asked for a divorce.  I didn't put up a fight.  Ok I sort of put up a fight but when you see someone where Gregg is, you know it will be a futile fight.  So I said ok.

I don't imagine this will come as much of a surprise to a lot of you.  I can't say, if I really thought about it, I was too surprised by it either.  Ok I was actually really shocked but that's only because I had gotten myself to a place of "well it's better then nothing" instead of reality when it came to my marriage.

I was truly going to be the spouse who wasn't too happy but knew she couldn't change things so I'll just be content with what I had.  Maybe it would get better and if it didn't then that was ok.  Yes.  I actually planned to live the rest of my life like that.  The dreamer in me always hoped and dreamed things would change and get better.  We were going to be that couple who stayed together no matter what and when we were celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary we were going to be telling everyone we made it through a lot of ups and downs but we made it.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about it to tell you the truth.  Devastated of course.  No matter how mad I got at Gregg I always loved him to the depths of my toes.  And even though I tried to play tough over the weekend, I will still love him to the depths of my toes as we make our way through this divorce.  Right now I'm in survivor mode.  Lucky for me I've been in survivor mode before, although I was much younger.  Already my body is doing funky things.  Like throwing up.  In one breath I know I will be ok, in the next breath I throw up and wonder how?

The survivor part of me keeps telling the scared shitless part of me it will be ok.  After all, I'm 45 years of age and have been jobless for 20 years.  I think I'm entitled to be scared.  The survivor part of me keeps having to talk that part of me down off the ledge.

You can imagine the thoughts going through my head right now.  The kids have not taken it very well and I guess it shows that divorce affects children at any age.  They have seen their parents go through a lot over the years and they hoped they could always work things out.  They were always so proud to tell their friends their parents were still married.

I hope to go through this with as much dignity and respect as I can and so far Gregg and I have been doing a lot of talking.  More now then ever before and it is amazing the things that are coming out.  How is a person supposed to know if nothing is said?  These are questions that keep going through our heads.  It's amazing when it's all over, the things that come out.  If I was ever certain about anything before it is that communication has to be key in a relationship.  Communication also has to be done by both parties.  Never assume.  Ask, talk, listen, com-mun-i-cate!  Also time together.  I mean I knew this before, but lordy is it all coming to light now.

The emotions are up and down and so far we are just taking it one day at a time.  As always, the kids are our first concern, but this time I am also putting myself right up there with them.  I am determined that the five of us will all get through this together.

Because I'm me, I have already googled 'divorce support'.  The first thing any article says is that going through a divorce is like going through a death.  I didn't seek support when my sister passed away and I don't plan on making that same mistake twice.  Which is why I'm writing and putting this on my blog.  The old Joy would have just shut the blog down and crawled into a hole to try and deal with this...alone.

You will forgive me for not being sure about too much right now.  Will this blog continue like before?  I have no idea.  I do hope to continue to write Mushu's day, reviews and things that go through my head.  But divorce will be in my head for awhile.  However, will I be writing about the divorce on here?  No.